yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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