Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
