allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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