i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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