she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
