This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
