well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
