Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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