the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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