He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
