I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
