It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
