I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
