An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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