but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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