I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
