Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize