Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
