you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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