How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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