I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize