worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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