I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
