I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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