You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
