We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
