My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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