I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
