you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
