Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
