i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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