she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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