please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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