I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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