WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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