My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize