how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize