Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize