we're chasing vodka with high fives
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My ATM looks so different sober.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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