if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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