the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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