The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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