Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
