Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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