she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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