grandma shit on top of the toilet
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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