i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize