GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
