When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize