hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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