The maid of honor just puked.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
