sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
