I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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