You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
