OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
