a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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