there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
