Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize