Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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